NANCY TO THE RESCUE

In the past, I was the best person to call if you were sick or in a jam. All you had to say was you needed me and I'd be there in no time and solve all your problems. About a week ago, I flew to Fort Collins with my oldest sister to visit another sister about to undergo a massive operation on her spine. The point of the trip was that my sister, Sharon and I were going to comfort Linda. Nice thought, right?

Well, I forgot that I live at sea level here in California. I have a heart condition, but its under control and since I run every day, I feel pretty fit. I bet that's what all those runners thought just before they keeled over dead. Higher altitudes aren't the best place for people with heart problems.

If anyone was going to have a heart attack, though, I was certain it would be my sister, Sharon, as she has a heart condition as well, is older than me, and was talking about needing another stint. For anyone that doesn't know, stints are keeping people from undergoing bypass surgery and are one of the many advances in medicine which are helping us to live longer. Even though one of my arteries is completely blocked, my heart formed its own bypass. Such a deal, huh? Some of my relatives were Christian Scientists and believed the body had the ability to heal itself. Maybe it does, but I still ended up in an ambulance rolling code to a Fort Collins Hospital. I kept trying to tell the handsome paramedics and firemen that I would be okay, but they told me the EKG said differently. And yeah, I felt as if someone had shoved their fist through my chest and out the back of my body.

We'd just arrived in Ft. Collins and I'd been running up and down the stairs. Once they get me inside a hospital, they won't let me go without putting me through every test known to man. So here is my precious sister, Linda, the one about to undergo 17 spinal fusions so she can continue to walk, racing to the hospital to take care of stupid me. Man, did I feel like an idiot.

Linda came in my hospital room where I had been left without food or water for about twelve hours as I waited for the doctors to perform an angiogram. I wasn't very happy about this as the last time they did this test, I almost bled to death. Colorado is dry to begin with, and I couldn't talk without my lips sticking to my teeth. I felt like Neo in the Matrix when the computer program called Agent Smith made his mouth disappear. I felt even worse when Linda told me that Sharon had fallen down and landed on her nose, and was now being treated in the emergency room, where I had only recently left.

So here's poor Linda, who uses walking sticks to get around, going back and forth from the emergency room to my room. Her two sisters had done her a lot of good. I doubt if we'll be invited back to Fort Collins anytime soon. This has happened to Linda before. When she had her son, Chris, my mother came to stay and help out. Linda and her husband ended up taking care of my mother. What can I say? At least I know why Linda always tells us not to come when she has surgery.

After a day and night of torture, I was kicked out of the hospital to continue to take care of Linda. In addition to her new pug nose, Sharon also banged her knee. She'd already had a problem with her legs when we embarked on the trip. I'd even ordered her a wheelchair at the airport. I was also limping from an injury I got when I pulled a Tom Cruise and jumped a coach to close a window. I used to jump horses. Now I jump furniture. The problem is I keep forgetting there's nothing underneath me.

Sharon, Linda and I have always been storm troopers, more or less. We do all kinds of things a person in their right mind would never do, and we never consider our physical limitations. Sharon can built a house from the ground up and do it faster than a crew of forty men. She carries these large concrete blocks around as if they were made out of foam rubber. Even with our awful backs, Linda and I have skied, jumped horses, jumped off mountains, rode snow mobiles, and pulled all kinds of dare devil stunts. Its no wonder our bodies finally revolted. I think Sharon has some kind of "get out of jail free" pass because she just keeps going and going.

The point of this is that if you need someone to come to your rescue, you might consider someone other than me. I'm working on my book now, so I'm not going anywhere for quite awhile. Well, nowhere except New York in a few weeks. New York hospitals are crap, so even if I feel as if a safe fell on my chest, I'm not calling the paramedics. What I have is called angina, by the way. You get used to it, they tell me, and learn when your heart is just complaining or when your dying. Of couch, if you make the wrong decision, you probably won't be around to worry about it. Hey, I'm just in it for the ride. That, and all those cute paramedics and firemen.

Stay tuned,

Nancy